I’ve never been someone who’s relied to heavily on negativity to find common ground, find humor, or find a voice. And there’s a really simple reason for this that has nothing to do with moral high ground or an overwhelming positivity.
I just don’t like getting my feelings hurt. And the idea that I might inadvertently hurt someone else’s makes me cringe. Back-pedaling over a benign statement because you just made someone feel foolish for thinking otherwise is like a meaningless virus I know we can as a society eradicate.
Let me preface this by saying I’m incredibly, painfully, unflinchingly sensitive. It’s a weakness, but I try and look at it as a strength in most circumstances.
Being an adult human being carrying on conversations presents enough opportunities for stepping on social land mines that I’ve found there’s next to no value in making loud, sweeping proclamations of what one hates.
Take the color yellow, for example.
There are a lot of colors—some great, some not. We like to talk about them, too. “What’s your favorite color?” being a way we think we’re getting to know people. But, what if we flipped it? What if we lived in an extra-hostile world where we asked people what color they hated most in the world first? How many times would we find uncommon ground with one another? And what would be the point?
I had this super cheeky, yellow and black paisley and floral printed silk flutter-sleeved blouse from Nanette Lepore when I was in a really weird, loud fashion phase of my early twenties. I’d bought it at the boutique I was working at, and wore it to work that day. It had hot pink sequins on it, a tie in the back that cinched it under the bust, and a low scoop neck. And it made me feel great.
A woman came into the store with her girlfriend and started perusing the racks. They bantered back and forth with a hard edge while I teetered off to the side ready to fill their dressing rooms. Her hand stopped on the rack at the blouse I was wearing. She paused and lifted it up to show her friend.
“Hideous!”
“God, I HATE yellow. This is so ugly.”
They both turned around, then, and noticed I was wearing it. One shrugged. I felt like a complete moron.
That’s not an entirely isolated incident. “Oh god that designer is such crap,” pause, “but what you got is cute!” “I don’t know WHY people wear heels,” pause, “but you pull them off.”
And it’s not just clothes! Those are the most minor offense. There are any number of ways you can inadvertently make a person minding their own business feel like a total asshole. I see social media as a place where I have infinite opportunities to offend people—and get offended myself.
I remember one article I stumbled across many, many years ago. It was a female music journalist responding to a recent onslaught of snarky hate pieces about Mariah Carey. (Full disclosure: not a Mariah fan, on any level.) I think it was a mix of her recently losing weight, going on a huge tour, broadcasting her wealth, and having some massive hits.
The article went on to say something along the lines of: she’s an easy target, to be sure, and a lay-up for all of your clever criticisms, but what’s with all the hate? She’s a pretty, talented, delighted-in-her-own-skin young woman with a damn cute figure and adoring fans and frankly, we should be happy for her success. In essence—try harder.
And it stuck with me.
I’m not going to like everything everyone else likes, which is fine. But I’ve had my feelings hurt so many times by the stupidest stuff—someone walking into a conversation where I’m talking about a show I love, and said “Oh my god, worst show ever.” [sub in wine, band, city, food, person, architecture style, season, cat, etc]—that the tactic made its way out of my repertoire. Unfettered negativity is, like P.G. Wodehouse once said, like throwing a brick in a packed village —you’ll almost certainly beaning someone in the head with it.
It’s an old adage, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a good one.
If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Try harder.
-C.
[Deets for the cheap seats: Which We Want STRIPE t-shirt, Need Supply + Rag & Bone The Cutoff shorts + Belle April sandals.]
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